This is a something I’ve been struggling to write for several months now. It never seems to get at exactly what I’m trying to get at; which is, in part, caring as performance, the expectation that there are things we have to care about - specifically in the context of hustle culture, and so much more…

But I think what it boils down to is this:

The explicit expression of NOT CARING about things you are “supposed to” is a fundamentally healthy and mindful way to clear space for the things you actually do care about.

Now, here’s the post - as imperfect and flawed as it may be:

I don’t care about a lot of things. Things other people think I should care about. Things like:

  • How cool people think my job is
  • Maximizing my pay
  • Getting credit for things
  • Being “in charge”
  • Being “right”
  • What (most) other people think of me

This is some of my list now. It hasn’t always been my list, and it’ll probably change again. But right now, this is what I’ve decided not to spend my time—or more importantly, my energy—caring about.

What Does It Mean to Care?

Before we go further, let’s be clear about what I mean by “caring.” I’m not talking about having opinions or feelings about things. I’m talking about things that matter to you and that you intend to do something about.

A great many people say they care about climate change, but do nothing to change it. That’s not caring—that’s having an opinion. Caring requires both emotional investment and action. It’s about where you actually put your energy, not just where you say your heart is.

Here’s the thing: we only have the capacity to really care about a finite set of things at a time. If you try to care about everything, one of two things happens: you burn out, or you end up caring about nothing at all.

For a long time, I lived this way implicitly—in an (un)Minded way—which created confusion for others and, if I’m honest, for myself too. But I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, trying to make something that was unconscious into something mindful, explicit, and intentional.

The First Rule of Not Caring

The first rule—the only non-negotiable thing you must not care about—is what other people think about your act of not caring or what is on your list of things you choose not to care about.

The list is yours. Listen to feedback. Hell, solicit it. But remember that feedback is input, not instruction. The goal is to learn and modify your list if you choose to, never to substitute someone else’s judgment for your own.

Caring Less to Care More

This isn’t about callousness or disregard for important things. This is about acknowledging that the act of not caring about things creates the space to care deeply about the things you actually care about—even when no one is looking.

What I’m really advocating for is caring less to care more—focusing on the small number of things you genuinely give a damn about.

We’ve been trained by our society to treat the expression of caring as a measure of worth. Imagine telling your boss you don’t care about getting promoted, or taking on another project that might advance your position. Career suicide, right? How many of you have loudly proclaimed passion for some corporate objective without actually caring at all?

Performative caring has somehow become currency in our society. But that’s all it is—performance.

Be Honest About What You Care About

Stop saying you care about things that are the required activities toward something you really do care about. We all have to work, earn an income and pay the bills - but it isn’t (always) a thing we do for it’s own sake, we do it because we care about building a life for ourselves, our families and those we care about. When you do that you might even realize that you‘ve become so entrenched caring about the how of it that you’ve lost sight of the thing you really care about.

The freedom comes when you stop pretending to care about everything else. When you get honest about your list, you may finally have the energy to care deeply about what actually matters to you.

So what’s on your list?

About the Author: Brian Roy

I am a dynamic, straight-talking computer scientist, leader and entrepreneur dedicated to creating innovative products leveraging technology to solve real, meaningful problems. The views expressed here are my own and do not reflect those of my employers past, present, or future.

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